4 Years and Counting...Infertility Struggle

So I said in my “Thankful” blog that I would go further into the infertility struggle. We are right at 4 years and 5 months of the infertility battle. And like I said, it is the hardest thing we have ever had to deal with. You can never make anybody understand what it’s like. I know I have learned a lot about everything. I have learned a lot about all types of infertility and a lot about myself and a lot about other people. Only God knows if we will ever get pregnant and have our own child. I spent a lot of time asking God why. I know that He has His own reasons and it’s not our place to question it. Doesn’t mean that it makes it any easier to deal with though. At this point, I feel like there are lots of reasons why. Most people by now have tried just about every fertility treatment option several times over. We have not done this. We have done a few things but nothing since we went to see an actual fertility specialist last year. The option that he gave us was very expensive and with no insurance coverage for it, a loan was about our only other option. So for the time being, we are just hanging out. Maybe at some point, we will be able to pursue those options. Just because we aren’t going extremely in debt for fertility treatments does not mean that we want a child any less. We are just trying to be sensible and smart about it all. Some people can afford it and some people can’t. We want to be able to properly provide for a child. I will say, I have been thru so many emotions- anger, sadness, feelings of guilt, feeling of being unworthy, more anger and more sadness.  For the longest, we did all the “proper” protocols. Ovulation tests and temperatures, surgery and about anything you can think of, we have tried it except for the major treatments. It doesn’t take much to stress me out and finally, I said I couldn’t do it all anymore and laid every bit of it down. It doesn’t mean that every month there isn’t  sadness. I don’t think you ever get use to it. I handle it a lot better now than I use to. There aren’t as many tears. And I would like to say that I have accepted it, but I haven’t really. I am still holding out hope. I just try not to stress over it. I think it helped seeing the fertility specialist last year and him telling me that it wouldn’t happen on it’s own without expensive help. I feel like that no matter what new things we try, it still won’t happen. And none of it will happen unless God is ready for it to. I think what breaks my heart more than anything is the amount of people who take advantage of their title as a parent. They neglect their kids, they don’t teach them respect, they scream and curse at their kids, they beat their kids and ignore their kids, they are drug addicts and alcoholics. Quite honestly, every time I hear about another unwed mother or teenage mother, or people who are party people and drink and do drugs and they are pregnant- I just want to be like SERIOUSLY??? We are Christians, we have an amazing marriage and we have stable and good jobs….what about us?? Where did we go wrong? Don’t write me off for saying that, because just remember you have never been in our shoes. Unless you have been thru this, you can’t begin to understand what it’s like for us anymore than we can understand what it’s like for someone with cancer or a terminal illness.  I have somewhat come to the realization that the unexpected pregnancy for anyone in the above situations may be the turning point for something in their life. It may be God’s way of trying to open up their eyes to something that is going on with them. I don’t know, I do just try to understand it a little more than I use to. Another thing, is don’t ever tell anybody not to worry or stress over it. In the most sarcastic way possible, my favorite phrase is, “just quit worrying about it and it will happen.” Sometimes it’s just better to keep your mouth shut. I know people are trying to be nice in their own way, but I haven’t been “worrying” about it a couple of years and it still hasn’t happened. Another favorite is, “if you lose weight, you will get pregnant.” C’mon people! Have you not every seen an overweight pregnant person??? For your information, my fertility doctor told me that my weight had nothing to do with it. Now this doesn’t mean that I am saying it doesn’t matter. It’s always better for you to be healthy and at a normal weight range, but just because somebody is overweight doesn’t automatically mean they are infertile.  Then it’s the, “well, why don’t you adopt?” That’s a good question…and most would think that because I was adopted, I would automatically go straight to that. We have talked about it. I am unsure at this point if it’s something we will pursue. But don’t judge us for our decision or the fact that we have to think about it. Don’t judge anyone else for it either. Adoption is different from having your own child. There are lots of factors that play into it and frankly, it scares me to death. A lot of adoptions now are open or semi open and we aren’t sure what is best for us.  So to all those struggling with infertility, I am truly sorry. No matter how long you have been struggling with it, it’s still an extremely hard thing to go thru. For those parents that don’t appreciate your kids, give them to me, I will take them and love them and appreciate them. But if you want to step up, then step up, love those babies and know that you are the reason they are here to begin with. It isn’t their fault that they are in this world so if you want to punish somebody, punish yourself. I know that if I ever get the option of being a mother, I will make so many mistakes. I sometimes think that God thinks I would be a horrible mother and that’s why He hasn’t give us a child. Other times, I think that God is just preparing us to be better parents. We are getting a lot of practice with watching everybody else and their parenting techniques and building our own “what to do and what not to do list.” I have a lot of learning to do yet. I have a lot of growing to do as a person and as a Christian. Although I wouldn’t take back the time of trying to get pregnant, it is a blessing that we didn’t get pregnant when we first started. But I firmly believe that everything happens for a reason. Thanks for reading, I hope it can help somebody in some way. God Bless!